The Quest for the Fountain of Youth: Or...The Day Justin Confronted 3 Alpacas

9/27/2014

St. Augustine and the Quest for the Fountain of Youth

Or…

The Day Justin Confronted 3 Alpacas On Our Way to a Paintball Field to Refill His Co2 Cans for His SodaStream

If you aren’t a fan of seltzer water, you probably won’t appreciate this. But allow me to let you in on a little secret. Seltzer water is the fountain of youth. If you don’t believe me, look at my parents. They are strong, healthy, and youthful. They look much younger than their years. And I attribute this largely to their devoted consumption of seltzer water. That, and yard work, and not smoking cigarettes.

My parents have been drinking seltzer since I can remember. No trip to the grocery store was complete without dad picking up four 2-liters of Publix seltzer water (preferably raspberry), equivalent to about a week’s supply (less so if the weekend involves yard work or other handyman projects).

Flash forward to recent times. My mom gave my dad a SodaStream a few birthday’s back. Do you remember the scene in Breaking Bad when Gus Fring unveils the Superlab he built for Walt and Jesse? Well this was kinda like that. Now my dad orders exotic fruit extracts online, programs the digital screen to maximum bubbleage and creates flavored seltzer concoctions that would even make Heisenberg proud.

Justin has also developed this penchant for seltzer water, by mere association with my family. SBA – seltzer by association. And he too received a SodaStream for his birthday. And you can be sure that his SodaStream machine, along with a bootleg cartridge adapter (My dad found this on the seltzer water black market. Seriously, it’s a real thing. http://co2doctor.com/), and two empty Co2 cartridges had to be included in our 400lb shipment to Ecuador. Now, we had to get them filled somewhere. 

It's Father Than It Looks

Justin found a paintball field in Quito. (For those of you not hip to the bootleg seltzer water game, you don’t just go buy SodaStream brand name Co2 cartridges at the store for $13.99. That’s for chumps. What the real guys do is buy a plain old Co2 cartridge, like the kind you use in paintball guns. Then you go to the Co2 doctor and buy one of his custom-made adapters so you can retrofit it your SodaStream machine. Now, you can simply take this cartridge when it’s empty to your local sporting goods store or paintball field and get it refilled for a couple bucks. BOOM. You just saved $12 AND stuck it to the man.)

So anyway, Justin found a paintball field that looked like it was fairly close to Parque Inaquito. This morning we loaded up his FHS Patriots Basketball backpack with the two empty cartridges and embarked on our quest to obtain Co2 so that we might once again enjoy the Fountain of Youth that is carbonated water. Side note: Carbonated water is available in Quito. It’s simply called ‘agua con gas’ and is found in every grocery store and restaurant. A 3-liter will cost you around $0.90. But who am I to deter Walter White from one of his favorite pastimes?

Necesito Dos CO2 Por Favor

The taxi dropped us off near the Universidad de los Hemisferios, the closest recognizable landmark to the paintball field (By the way, as I’m typing this I can hear Justin in the kitchen making a fresh batch of seltzer. Spoiler alert – the trip was successful).  Sadly for us, this meant that we still had about a 15 minute uphill hike across a rural cobblestone road through the woods. I am heaving and gasping for air and having flashback of climbing Pichincha. Justin is merrily strolling along. Finally we make it to the paintball field. Justin presents his Co2 tanks to the friendly man working the desk and is told that they do not have Co2. At least that’s what we thought he said at first. I think he was telling us that he didn’t have the identical size tank that we brought. But he did in fact have a large tank of Co2 and was able to fill up our tanks for $3.00 each.

Our mission complete, we began descending back down the hill with visions of cold, bubbly

The Alpacas Approach

beverages in our heads. All of a sudden, our path was blocked by three formidably sized and dauntless alpacas. We moved to the shoulder of the road to give them room to pass, in a “Hey guys, we don’t want in any trouble” kind of way. Then the largest of the alpacas, the leader of the pack, (the Alpaca Pack) loped across the street, coming straight for Justin. If you ask me, I think he was probably looking for food. If you ask Justin, the alpaca wanted a fight to the death. The alpaca showed no signs of slowing and even dipped his head a little bit as he moved closer to Justin, much like a bull approaching a matador. Impact was merely seconds away when Justin, employing a graceful jiu-jitsu strong arm, was able to push the alpaca by its furry neck, diverting his course harmlessly into the grass.

Man vs. Beast

(Editor’s Note: Don’t let Shannon’s dismissive account frame your opinion of what went down. She is merely trying to make her friends and family not worry. It is by a sheer stroke of luck that we survived and Shannon was able to make this post tonight. As the Alpaca made his way towards me a rush of adrenaline and self-preservation for myself and Shannon flowed through me with the intensity of the very volcano we were standing upon. As he came towards me I saw rage and fury in his eyes. He was out for blood. His lady Alpacas moseyed on down the road but he was there for a fight. 

Here we were, the men of our packs wanting nothing more than to defend our families, and we were

Talking Trash

at a crossroads. He stopped a few feet short of me to size me up like a bull. Then, he made his move and charged me. For those of you who are unaware, Jujitsu is the martial art concerned with defense and using your opponents’ aggressive maneuvers and momentum against them by redirecting it. I have studied this art form extensively (I saw a Kung Fu movie once) and my training is what saved my life. As he charged me I reacted, swiping his face and neck away with my left hand. He turned back to me and made another pass. He got another swipe, this time with the strong right hand. Some might call it a redirection. Some might call it a slap in the llama’s face. Others may call it an open-handed blunt force MMA strike. I call it survival. As I followed through with my right hand swipe I whispered in his ear, “Save that llama drama for yo’ mama.” He then looked back at me with the eyes of a defeated warrior and in his eyes I could tell he meant, “You win this round, but I’ll be back…”)

Back In Business

Confrontation averted, we continued down the path and made it to the highway unscathed. The only other wildlife we encountered was a chicken crossing the road. Soon, we were back in the taxi and headed home, ready to toast our victory with some delicious, homemade, life giving agua con gas.

You Fought Well Human.Until We Meet Again...