The Poo Goes in the Blue

So, this story goes back a few weeks. During our orientation we were made aware that all workers who work in Ecuador have to, by Federal Law, get a full medical examination prior to working. It is meant to determine whether or not you are indeed fit to work. They mandate the employer sets up arrangements for said examination as a protection for all local workers as well. This seems like a logical plan in theory and even in practice, it’s probably for the best. However…they’re a little more thorough with some things than I would have anticipated.

When we were told of this requirement, we all seemed to nod and a few concerned potential stoners teachers seemed worried about what would be found in this exam. We were assured all test results would remain confidential and would be held secret in accordance with the Ecuadorian Hypocratic Oath and full Dr./Patient Confidentiality. This settled a few people down until the school doctor took out a bag of sample collectors. We each got one clear cup and one blue cup. We were told “The poo goes in the blue, the clear goes in the clear.” After the realization and further explanation that they would indeed be collecting stool, urine, and blood samples, the room got a little more tense. There were worried looks. There may have been a “If ‘dis were ‘Merica this would never happen. My blood is my privacy!” grumblings but I think the vast majority of people were just worried about acquiring and then transporting their stool samples.

We were scheduled for a Monday during orientation but that was rescheduled for today once our visa appointment trumped that. If you are squeamish and would rather avoid some of the finer details do not read any further.

After discussing proper strategy points with some of the teachers who had already completed their testing we found out the following advice:

1.       The cups and their strength are not to be trusted in a bag with school things. Double bag the sample cups or suffer the consequences.

2.       There are a few options for stool sample collecting.

a.       Saran wrap the toilet top and scoop.

b.      Go for the airplane refueling method

c.       Bob for apples


We ended up collecting our stuff without many complications and turned it all in today and it was fine. We were in and out in less than 5 minutes. The worst part of the whole thing was the fasting from our breakfast, water, and coffee so we didn’t mess up our glucose levels. It was weird, but yet another example of how you need to adjust to your surroundings, no matter what that entrails…